Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
