so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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