I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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