A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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