I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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