So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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