Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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