he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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