i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
