I can text with my tongue
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
