if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
