You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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