I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
