Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
