Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
