i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Randomize
