I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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