I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
