I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize