i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
