Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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