I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
