Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
