This house was built for laser tag.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
They took my balls.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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