Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
