Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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