Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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