"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
