I smell stomach acid.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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