There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
