dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
