For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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