Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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