I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
