I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
