so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
i think i just lost a toe
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
