Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
