That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
