PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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