Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
