I think i peed on brittanys purse
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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