i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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