Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
