I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
