The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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