I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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