Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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