That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
