i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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