forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
