K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
