in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
