I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
