Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
