I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
