Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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