She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
