chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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