It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
