I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
