hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
