I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize