i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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