the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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